Safe
by DreamingEO
Summary: "I keep dreaming that one day, all of this work I've done will make a difference; all of the bad guys I've put away and all of the people I've tried my hardest to save. That includes you, Liv."
1. Chapter 1

I was standing there letting the wind blow against my face, letting my hair fly loosely in the wind. The cold was piercing my face and burning my eyes. Maybe it was that or maybe it was the tears. I took in a deep breath and let my lungs fill with air. How had things gone from good to bad all in a split second? I felt like I was that much closer to retiring.

"Wanna talk about it?"

I turned my head around and peered over my shoulders at the all familiar voice of Elliot Stabler. I shook my head and sighed, "No."  
He walked up next to me and rested his arms on the ledge, looking out at the city below. He had his black jacket on that always kept him warm during the job.

"I used to eat watermelon," Elliot said filling the silence with his husky voice.

"What?" I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow, sometimes it seemed like the man was clueless.

"I used to eat watermelon," he said again, "Whenever I had a bad day I would stop at the store on my way home and pick up a watermelon."

"Why?"

"I liked watermelon," he answered with a small smile on his face, "But I had so many bad days that I got sick of watermelon."

Of course.

"What do you do now?"

Elliot turned around and now his back was facing the traffic of the city. I could feel his eyes looking at me. Watching my every move.

"I talk to you."

It was a voice so quiet I didn't think that I heard it. For a second I thought that it was just my imagination. I turned around too and looked at Elliot, really looked at him. That's when I knew it had in fact been real.

"How did we get so close?" I asked him. It was a question I already knew the answer to, but I asked it anyway. Maybe it was for assurance or maybe it was because I wasn't sure if I had the right answer.

Elliot shrugged, "You're my best friend, Liv."

Best friend. Best freaking friend. Of course I was his best friend. I was the only one that had been there for him the past thirteen years. The only one who didn't walk away when he pissed off at the world. The one that saw every terrible sight that he saw. How could he not see that I had fallen for him? Did I need to spell it out? Maybe he just doesn't care. Maybe he never will. He keeps telling himself that it isn't right to love me because he's married. Maybe he's right, I'll always be the other woman. But is it right to stay married to someone and lie everyday? Is it okay to say you love someone when you don't mean it? Maybe I'm over thinking it.

"Liv?"

"I have to go," I said turning around to walk back into the precinct, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Damn it! Damn it! How could I let her walk away again? Clearly she's upset and I keep adding on to it. I'm not a good talker. Never have been. I don't know how to cheer her up besides making her laugh and even these days she doesn't laugh at my jokes. She doesn't even smile. Sometimes I think about my life and I wonder how it got from there to here. How so many words have been spoken but nothing has actually been said.

The door slams shut and I close my eyes. The snow is starting to fall and I can't help but worry about Olivia getting home safely. I'll stop by her apartment on my home.

I pulled up in front of her apartment building and got out of the car, slamming the door closed behind me. The snow is pretty heavy now and it seems to have gotten colder. I walk up the stairs to her floor and stand outside her door waiting to knock. She used to know when I was there, she would open the door before I even got the chance to knock.

"What are you doing here?" she seems genuinely surprised that I showed up.

"I wanted to make sure you got home okay," I said truthfully, "The snow is pretty bad out there. D'you mind if I come in?"

Olivia turned around for a second and looked around her apartment at the mess, she hesitated for a moment and then she finally unlocked the chain on the door and let me in.

"It's cold out there."

"Yeah," she said walking over to her couch, "Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting company."

The couch had a few blankets on it and a pillow and from what I assumed, Olivia had been sleeping on it. The rest of the house was spotless.

"You been sleeping on the couch?"

I saw Olivia turn her head away, "Want some wine?"

She was purposely avoiding the question. Why did she have to be so damned stubborn.

"Liv," I said, "Why have you been sleeping on the couch? Is there something you want to tell me about?"

She shook her head and finally got the nerve to look me in the eye, "My bed sheets are in the dirty clothes," she said with the hint of a smile on her face, "I've been too lazy to wash them so, for now, I'm sleeping on the couch."

Elliot sighed of relief. "You never do your laundry."

Now she was smiling. That was something I hadn't seen in a while now.

"Of course I don't Stabler," she said playfully, "I never clean. Didn't you once tell me that?"

Yes. Almost five years ago it seems. "Yes."

"So why did you really go out of your way to come over here?" she asked as she grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it around her.

She always seemed to see right through me. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I said, "You were upset earlier."

"I'm fine."

Fine. I hated that word. She always used that word to describe how she was doing. If she was burning alive and you asked her how she felt she would still say she was fine.

"You're always fine." I didn't mean to say it, it just slipped out. She shot me one of her death glares.

"Look," she said in a louder tone, "I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep. If you just came over to be an ass then please, leave."

I sighed and turned my head away as she got comfortable on the couch. She turned her back toward me but, I knew her eyes weren't closed. I got up and let myself out, locking the door behind me.

**Like? Love? Hate? I can't improve unless you tell me :)**


	2. Chapter 2

When working on paperwork at the precinct nobody said anything. It was like the calm before the storm. The quiet before another victim came in to report their rape. Elliot was being particularly quiet today and I knew something was up with him. I didn't ask though because I figured if he wanted to talk about it he would tell me. I only had a few more things to write before my paperwork was finally caught up and maybe I would get to go home early today.

The smell of coffee wafted through the air and it made my stomach churn. I was hungry and I realized I hadn't ate since the day before. I hadn't gone to the grocery store yet and the only thing at my house was a few crackers and stale chips in the cabinet.

"Wanna grab a bite to eat?"

I looked up and Elliot was shoving his pile of papers into one of desk drawers. Somehow he always knew.

"Sure."

Both of us slipped our coats on and bundled up before walking outside into the cold of winter. There was quite a bit of snow on the ground from the small snow storm the day before and it was crunching beneath our feet as we walked down the sidewalk.

"Pizza sound good?"

I nodded. Pizza actually sounded very good because I hadn't had it in awhile. We walked down the block and went into the pizza parlor where the heat immediately warmed up our bodies. Elliot placed the order and I picked got us a table in the corner in the back. When our order was ready the waiter brought the pizza to our table and sat it down in the middle. Elliot dug right in and got two slices to sit on his plate.

"This is good pizza."

Elliot made a sound that I assumed was suppose to be him agreeing.

"So, uh, how are the kids?" He swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and wiped his face with a napkin.

"Good."

I nodded and took a sip of my Cola. Something was obviously bothering him and I couldn't help but ask. "Everything okay?"

He sighed and took another bite of the cheesy pizza. "You know how you want something so bad but, you know it's never going to happen?"

"The inevitable?"

"Sure," he said not really listening, "I just-"

Was he talking about it? Was he really finally getting the picture?

"Just what?"

He took another bite of his pizza. "Nothing. It's no big deal."  
Turned down once again. I knew he saw it. Everybody saw it. It was impossible not the see the chemistry we had we each other.

Why couldn't I tell her how I felt? She was sitting right there in front of me. Her brown hair resting against her fact and those brown eyes that were full of wonder. I knew she was angry that I didn't say anything. I knew she had been hurt once again. She didn't understand though. She didn't have a family at home to go home to and take care of every night. She didn't have the weight on her shoulders like I did. There I go again putting her down for my own selfish reasons.

I watched as she finished her third slice of pizza. She must have a high metabolism because she ate just like any other man I had met. Only she was more neat about it and didn't get pizza sauce all over her face.

"Ready to go?"

I wiped my face off again and took one last sip of my drink before nodding and following her out of the warmth of the parlor.

We were walking back to the precinct side by side and every once in awhile I would feel her arm brush up against mine. It made me smile a little and I didn't know if Olivia noticed or not.

"What are you smiling about?"

It was like she could read my mind.

"I'm not," I lied.

She gave me one of her looks where that told me she knew I was lying. She didn't say anything though and that's why our friendship worked out. We knew when the other needed space and we knew when we needed to push one another to talk.

Back at the precinct there was a small girl sitting in a chair next to Olivia's desk. Cragen was waiting just outside the elevator for us to get back.

"Her name is Emily Kell," Cragen informed us, "She won't walk to anybody so I figured you could work with her, Liv."

* * *

Olivia nodded and began unbuttoning her coat while she made her way over to her desk and the little girl.

Emily couldn't have been any older than eight and she looked so scared sitting there alone. She had long curly black hair and her eyes were big and blue.

"Hi, Emily," I said sitting down in my chair, "My name's Olivia. I'm a police officer."

Emily just sat there and stared at her hands in her lap.

"It's okay," I assured her, "You can tell me."

I saw Emily's eyes water and bottom lip quiver. "Honey," I said, "Tell me what's wrong."

"My mommy's dead. The bad man killed her."

To hear those harsh words come from a child's mouth was enough to make anyone's stomach tie in knots.

"How did you get here?"

"Mommy told me to give this paper to the cab driver."

"Do you know who killed your Mommy?"

* * *

Emily nodded and her curls bounced behind her, "My Daddy."

"You okay?"

I turned around to see Elliot walking up to the edge of the roof next to me.

I sighed. "This is a tough one."

Elliot nodded. He had heard Emily tell me what happened because he was sitting at his desk. Emily broke down in tears after she told us how it had happened and I couldn't make her sit through anymore. She was taking a nap in the cribs now and I knew I had to finish talking to her later.

"It's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to," I stated looking off into the city.

I could feel Elliot's eyes staring at me now and I knew I had his attention.

"You have me."

I shook my head, "It's not the same thing. I want to have someone to go home to and crawl into bed with and all the worries I had during the day be washed away. You have that. I don't."

"You could have that," Elliot said quietly, "Any man in their right mind would be lucky to be with you."

He just doesn't get it. I don't want just anybody.

* * *

"I better get back in there," I said switching topics, "Emily will probably be waking up soon."

How did I let her walk away from me again? She had basically just said she wanted me. I knew she wouldn't ask though. Even if things weren't peachy with Kathy and I, she wouldn't admit it. She was too classy. She wouldn't ever be the woman who ruined our marriage. He sighed and took a deep breath before pushing the thoughts out of his head and walking back inside.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the constructive criticism and hopefully my writing in certain persons will get better. I tend to have trouble with that. Also, I'll make sure I'm being clear whose thoughts we are reading.**

**Olivia**

"It's cold out here." Bless Elliot's heart for always following me up here.

"I like it," I said turning around to face him, "It takes your breath away."

It was so cold outside that both of us could see our breath in front of us. The snow had really been falling this winter.

"Child Protective Services came to get Emily," Elliot informed me, "They are placing her with an older lady who is fairly rich. I'm sure she's in good hands."

I sighed, "Yeah. That makes one of us."

Elliot let out an audible sigh from next to me and I knew what he was thinking about. Probably the same thing I was thinking about. I saw him out of the corner of my eye scoot closer to me. I could feel his warmth warming the right side of me. I could feel his eyes piercing into the side of my face.

"Liv," he whispered.

I turned to face him once again and we were standing just inches apart from each other. I caught his gaze and I was instantly lost in those blue eyes. I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest and the words I wanted to say seemed lost somewhere in my throat. Next thing I knew Elliot was leaning closer. He was going to kiss me and I didn't have the strength to stop him. The second his lips touched with mine I was lost. All the cold was gone and my whole body was covered in a stinging sensation.

"El," I said quietly, "We can't. This. You're married."

* * *

Elliot stepped back and bowed his head. "I... I'm sorry." He stormed off and there I was left alone again.

**Elliot**

"Damn it!" How could I be so stupid? How could I do this to Kathy? She's going to kill me. I'm going to hell. I can't say I didn't like it though. That was the most passionate kiss I've ever had. I know Olivia is right for me. I know that I'm right for her so, why is it so hard?

I slammed the door shut to the cribs and sat down on the bed, burying my head in my hands. All I could think about was that kiss. It seemed so magical. So surreal. The snow gently falling around us. The look in her eyes when I was standing so close to her. For a moment everything seemed to just drift away. The sound of Manhattan drifted out around us. For a moment it was just us. Just El and Liv. Partners.

My cell phone started ringing and I knew it was probably Kathy. I promised her that I would be home in time for dinner tonight. A little late for that.

"Yeah," I said sounding angry.

"Everything alright?" Kathy asked, "You said you would be home for dinner."

"I uh- I got caught up in a case."

I heard her scoff, "You always get caught up in a case."

I rolled my eyes. I was tired of lying to people. I was lying to everyone lately. Kathy, Olivia, even myself. I couldn't tell the truth to save my life.

"I'll be home soon," I told her.

"I love you," she said.

"You too." I hung up the phone and threw it on the bed next to me. I figured Olivia had already headed home so I grabbed my coat and walked out of the front door.

**Olivia**

Of course he would go home. He has a wife. I know he loves her but I also know he loves me too. He can't keep doing this. He has to choose. He has too. Maybe he already has. Maybe him going home tonight was choosing. I filled my cup up with the last of the coffee from the coffee pot and carried it back to my desk. I was the last person in the precinct, except for Cragen who had caught a nap in his office. This was usually how the nights went anymore. I was either too scared or too upset to go home and Cragen finally understood and stopped kicking me out after midnight. I usually caught up on paperwork and fell asleep at my desk. Some nights though I just sat in the chair, staring off into space and thinking about all of the things that could have been. That could still be. My desk phone started ringing and I jumped a little. Usually I didn't get calls this late.

"Benson."

"Olivia?" The small child's voice was small and quiet.

"Emily? Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"My Daddy is scaring me," she cried.

"Emily, I need you to listen to me okay? Where are you and your Daddy?"

Emily sniffed, "At his house. He's yelling and screaming and I'm scared."

"I know you are sweetie," I told her, "I need you to be brave for me okay? I need you to get in your closet and hide. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Hurry!"

"I will Sweetheart, I will."

I explained to Emily that I needed her to hang up and that I was going to call her from my cell phone. Once I had reached her on my cell I was able to go explain to Cragen what was going on and he called Elliot to meet me at the scene.

"I need you to stay quiet okay, Emily? I just need you to stay on the line so I know what's going on."

"Are you coming to get me?"

"Yeah Emily," I answered hoping into my car, "My partner and I are on our way there right now."

I drove as fast as I could and I knew Elliot would do the same. By the time I pulled up to the apartment Elliot was just pulling in behind me. "I'm just outside Sweetie," I explained to her, "Just hang on."

"What's going on?" Elliot asked slamming his car door shut.

"She said her dad came to get her from Mrs. Debby's house just before bedtime. He told her they were going to get ice cream and then they were going to go home. She said once they got home he got angry and started yelling and that's when she went into her bedroom and called me."

Elliot nodded, "Let's go."

We were making our way up to the house with the backup pulling in quietly behind us. We didn't want to warn Lee that we were there until Emily was safe. Elliot and I both had our guns in our hands and we were ready to go.

"Who the hell are you talking to?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. That was Lee and I knew Emily had been caught.

"My friend," I heard Emily answer quietly.

"What friend?" Lee spat, "You ain't got no friends. Who the hell is this?"

I shot a glance to Elliot had just opened the door silently, we were inside. "The police," I answered, "You can turn around and put your hands up." He laughed.

"You aren't here yet."

"Please Daddy!" Emily cried, "Please don't! Daddy! You're scaring me!"

That's when the shot was fired. I heard the deafening sound pierce through my ears and my blood ran cold.

"Put the gun down, now!" Elliot yelled, aiming his gun at Lee.

I couldn't help but look at the now pale body lying on the floor. I could have saved her. I promised her that everything was going to be okay and I let her down.

Lee laughed, "Bout time that kid shut the hell up."

"Put the gun down," Elliot demanded again, "Now!"

He looked over to me and my head still wasn't in the game. All I could do was stare at Emily's lifeless body.

"You son of a bitch," I said through clenched teeth, "What kind of man are you?"

Lee raised his gun right at me and without a second thought Elliot fired. "Lee Kell," he said, "You're under arrest for the murder of Emily Kell and Melissa Kell."

I watched as Elliot carried Lee out in cuffs. I still couldn't move. I was glued to the floor and now the only thing on my mind was how I let two people down tonight. Emily and Elliot. Elliot wasn't suppose to worry about me. He wasn't suppose to have to watch my back.

"Liv." He was behind me, his hand on my shoulder.

I turned around to look him in the eyes and I had to try my hardest to keep the tears in. I just stood there staring him at him.

"You did everything you could," he said.

I nodded my head slightly, "Sure."

"Come on. Let's get you back to the precinct."

Elliot placed his arm around my shoulders and guided me to my car. He asked me if I would be okay driving back and I told him I was fine. So what if it was a lie. It isn't like it would change anything if I had told the truth. I made sure my tears were gone before I got back to the precinct because I knew Elliot was coming back to file the report on what happened.

"You going home?" It was a simply question and yet it meant so much to me.

"Yeah," I answered grabbing my keys, "Told Cragen what happened and he told me to go home and get some rest."

"I could come too," he said simply, "If you don't want to be alone."

I bit my bottom lip and I squeezed the keys tighter in my hand, "What would Kathy say to that?"

"Doesn't matter," he answered, "I'd be sleeping on the couch anywhere I go."

I let the keys loosen in my hand, maybe it was because I had a little bit of relief or maybe it was because one side of my house key was breaking the skin. "I don't really want to be alone..."

"Then it's settled," he said placing is pen back in the mug that sat on his desk, "I'll come with."


	4. Chapter 4

**Elliot**

"I'm going to go take a shower," Olivia said after locking the door, "Feel free to make yourself at home."

I smiled at her as she walked down the hallway and into the room I knew as the bathroom. This wasn't the first time I had spent the night at Liv's house. It was the third. There were plenty of nights when I crashed at her place because I didn't want her to be alone. Other times she insisted that I go home to be with my kids.

I walked over to the couch and sat down. I slipped my shoes off and placed them neatly on the floor just under the coffee table. The house seemed empty. There were no pictures on the wall like at my place. It was a nice apartment though, Olivia hardly ever stayed in it to mess it up.

I heard the pipes squeak and I knew that Olivia was know in the shower. Thinking about that sent a shiver up my spine. Olivia being naked was one thing, but Olivia being naked in the shower was another. Her wet hair sticking to her face and those gorgeous brown eyes peering into your soul. I had to stop. I had to stop lying to myself and telling myself that I loved Kathy. The last time I thought about Kathy like that was never.

I shook my head as if to shake the thoughts away and I made myself comfortable with my head lying against the arm rest. I closed my eyes but I wasn't going to sleep any time soon. Olivia probably needed someone to talk to before going to sleep. She usually did when she dealt with a tough case.

Several minutes later Olivia was out of the shower and making her way to the living room. The living room lights were turned off but there was a cast from the moon that made me able to see her in the dark. She was wearing a purple bathrobe and her hair was down and dripping water.

"Goodnight," she whispered before turning to her bedroom.

"Wait," I said causing her to stop, "I uh- I figured you would want to talk about it. You know."

Olivia sighed and tightened the string that kept her robe closed, "I'm fine. I'm just ready for bed."

I swung my feet over the couch and stood up to catch up to her, "Are you sure? It was a pretty rough case."

"Yeah," she said, "I'm a big girl."

I couldn't help but stare at her breasts as she stood in front of me. Here I was, staying the night at her place, and she was wearing nothing but a robe. It was just the two of us. Nobody would know if anything happened.

I stepped closer to her and I saw her breath hitch a little but then it went back to normal. She was watching me closely. I reached my hand to her cheek and caressed it slowly. Then I tucked her wet hair behind her ear, displaying her perfect face.

"El," she said quietly.

* * *

"Shh." I leaned in even closer and and my lips crashed onto her like waves crashed onto the shore. She wasn't resisting so this must be a good sign. I slipped in my tongue and Olivia did the same. I slid my hands down her body until I came to the string and I hurried to untie it. Pretty soon she would be standing in front of me, completely exposed.

**Olivia**

I knew I would regret this later, I knew it was wrong but, I couldn't stop him. It's like I was under his spell. I felt his hands rest on my hips and his lips sucked slowly at my neck.

"El," I groaned, "We can't. This. It's wrong."

He didn't listen. He kept touching and kept kissing.

"No it isn't," he said, "It's right. It's so so right."

He picked me up and carried into the bedroom where we continued to make love. Every touch he made sent goosebumps to pop up on my skin and I felt the shivers creep through my spine. Every time he moaned my name I was lost in the situation. My mind was completely oblivious to the bigger picture. All I could see now was what he was doing. What we were doing. I always pictured this happening but, not like this. Not when he was still married.

"Elliot, stop." I pushed him off of me and took a deep breath, "I don't want this. I don't want to be the other woman! I don't want to be the one to wreck your marriage! How do you think this makes me feel? I'm not a home wrecker, Elliot and if you think I am then you can get the hell out."

The look on his face made my heart ache. He seemed shocked, sad that I had stopped him.

"Liv, I don't think that."

"This is wrong," I whispered through the silent tears, "You know it and I know it. You're married."

"You don't want to be with me?"

It was a simple question that deserved a simple answer but it was so much more than that.

"I never said that," I told him, "I don't want to be with you while you're still married."

He sighed and rolled out of the bed, grabbing his pants from off the floor. "I'll go home." Before I could stop him he was halfway to the door.

"That's not what I want either!" I yelled after him, "I know you feel the same way!"

The door slammed and it was like a door to my heart slammed with it and the key had been thrown away.

I let the tears fall now because there was no one around the see them. I cried until I felt a little better and it took majority of the night. When I finally did manage to fall asleep it was already two in the morning and I knew I had to be at work the next day. Why couldn't it just be simple? Why couldn't he just tell Kathy that he didn't love her anymore? If I asked him that he would just tell me that I didn't understand because I didn't have kids. Well newsflash Elliot, you don't have to have kids to feel love.

Five hours and three cups of coffee later I was sitting at my desk in the precinct and making sure I didn't make contact with Elliot. I was too embarrassed to look at him and he had too much rage to look at me. It was quiet in the room and hardly anyone was saying anything. Maybe they felt the tension in the air too.

"I miss women," Munch said breaking the silence as he propped his feet up on the corner of his desk and leaned back in his swivel chair.

Elliot, Fin, Munch and I turned my attention toward him and rolled our eyes. Munch would always be Munch.

"Some women break your heart," Elliot said to him.

I turned around and looked at him only to give him a dirty look. How could he blame me for this? He was the one that cheated! He came on to me and yet somehow this is all my fault. It's only ever my fault. I couldn't another minute in their with him so I stormed out of there faster than dog chasing a rabbit.

Once I was outside in the cold I could just let go. All I wanted was for Elliot to see that I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt. I wanted him to see that he loves me too. Sirens wailed below me and the people of Manhattan looked like tiny ants from where I was standing.

I sighed and made sure to focus on them when I heard Elliot open the door and step out.

"What do you want?" I barked at him.

"To be married," he said honestly, "To be in love and to have a happy life."

"Then go," I said harshly, "Go home to your wife and your kids and your fairytale ending." I focused on one person in particular who was just walking down the sidewalk and admiring all the sales the malls were having for the holiday season approaching.

"I can't," he said approaching me.

"Why the hell not?"

"I'm not in love with Kathy," he said quietly, almost above a whisper. "I love her, sure, I'll always love her but, I'm not IN love with her."

"That's cheesy and cliché."

Elliot shrugged, "It's also true."

"I'm not doing this Stabler," I spat, "Not until you're divorced and that's final."  
I heard Elliot messing around with something but I didn't know what and I didn't bother to turn around and see. I was still following the stranger who now stood on front of a hat store.

"Here," he said touching something against my shoulder.

I turned my eyes to look at the papers and turned around when I saw what they were, "Elliot..."

"She got them first," he explained, "She said she just doesn't want to do it anymore."

I didn't know what I was feeling at this point. Happy, ashamed, scared. Where did things go from here? We couldn't just show up and be together the day after Elliot received his divorce papers.

"I want us to work," he said stuffing the papers back into his pocket.

"You and I are never going to work," I said sadly, "We're too much alike."

"Maybe," he said, "Maybe not."

I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for his stupid little games. "I have a job to get back to." I brushed passed him as I headed back to the door but he grabbed my arm and pulled me into him.

"Don't forget that," he said pulling away from my lips. "Don't forget that you love me."

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"Just don't forget. When you're mad or whatever," he continued, "Don't forget."


	5. Chapter 5

**I know it's been awhile since this has been updated but, here's another chapter! Thank you for hanging in there.**

**Elliot**

I watched her walk out back into the precinct and when she was gone I let a small smile appear on my face. This was a start. She knew about the divorce and everything was out in the open. I just needed her to get over her pissed off, tough cop, doesn't need a man in her life, mood. That would take awhile but, eventually she will get over it. The reality of the freezing temperatures outside finally began to chill my bones and I rubbed my shoulders to warm up. I had to go back inside, even if it meant fighting with Olivia. When I did go back in I was surprised to see Cragen yelling at Olivia.

"Go home!" he ordered, "You're tired and I don't want that messing up any of our cases. Go get some rest."

Reluctantly she complied. She pulled her jacket tighter around her and buttoned it up, making her way to the elevator.

"Uh, Captain," I said rubbing the back of my head, "I actually need to head home... something came up with the kids and uh..."

"Go," Cragen said not even bothering to look at me.

I smiled and took off running so I could catch the elevator with Olivia. Somehow being in that small space with just her and her scent was enough to get my adrenaline pumping.

"So... everything okay with the kids?" she asked, honestly concerned for them.

"Uh, yeah," I answered. What was I going to do? Tell her that I just wanted to follow her home in hopes she would let me in and we could talk some more?

"Well," she said with a shrug, "I'll see you tomorrow." I waved goodbye and watched as she walked to her car. The one she never drove. I hadn't been paying enough attention to realize that she had been driving it lately. As she got into the driver's seat she flashed me a small smile and I took that as a clue that I was invited over. I walked to my own car and climbed in, starting the engine and then pulling off.

**Olivia**

He was here. Sitting on my couch with his shoes off and a cold beer in his hand. He was in my house. It was strange and yet it feel so normal. Should I tell him now? Would it be too much? Would he call it quits as soon as he found out?

I kept watching him from the kitchen as I pretended to make myself something to drink. I couldn't help but gaze at him and think about how it all felt... right.

"How long are you just going to stand there?" he asked,not taking his eyes off of the television.

"How did you know?" I asked him as I sat down on the couch next to him.

He turned to look at me and once again his blue eyes melted my heart. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't do that to him. It would be too much for him to handle.

"I'm a good detective," he said with that grin I loved so much.

"You are," I commented. "El, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." He grabbed the remote off of the table and flipped the television off. The room was now silent and that didn't help my nerves. I was preparing myself for him to say no.

"I... uh... you can stay... the night... if you want," I finally managed to choke out.

If Elliot saw my cheeks turn five shades of crimson he didn't say anything. Instead he smiled, "I'd love to."

Now I could breathe.

**Elliot**

Finally she asked me. It's only what I have been waiting to hear her say forever. I tend to make the best of it.

I looked over to Olivia at where her head was resting against my shoulder and saw that she was asleep. She was so cute when she slept. Her mouth was slightly open and it was so angelic-like.

"Liv," I whispered.

She didn't budge.

"Liv," I said again a little bit louder.

Still, she didn't move. I figured that work and the day in general had probably worn her out. I scooped her into my arms and carried her down the hallway and into her bedroom. Her room always smelled like cinnamon and for some reason I found that very attractive. I lay her down in the bed and pull the covers over her, kissing her gently on the cheek.

"Goodnight, Liv." I turned to walk out but on my way I saw a piece of paper lying on her dresser. I don't know what about the paper drew my attention and I knew it was none of my business, but I picked it up and opened it. I aimed it toward the door so I could see to read from the faint light shining in from the living room. It was a list. As I read down each beautifully written bullet point I couldn't help but shed tears. This couldn't be Olivia's. She had no reason to write this. It seemed silly and I hoped she had just found it from someone. I folded it back up and placed it in the same place I had found it, not wanting Olivia to know. Then I looked her again, losing my breath at the sight of her beauty. If this list was hers... I was determined to make sure she could check off every single one.


	6. Chapter 6

**Elliot**

The first thing on Olivia's list wasn't going to be hard to do. It was the matter of getting her there. I couldn't just ask her to go to the park with me because then she would get suspicious. I guess I was just going to have to play it out.

I looked down at the watch I always wore on my wrist and read the time. It was pushing eight and I knew Olivia would be up soon. She never slept passed nine; even on Saturdays. I flicked the blanket off of me and headed into the kitchen. She didn't have much food so I would do my best to make the perfect breakfast.

I opened the fridge and to my luck there was a carton of eggs. That was about it. I took them out and sat them on the counter while turning the stove on and searching for a skillet. I remember a conversation I once had where Olivia told me she liked her eggs sunny side up but, with the yolk poked. While the skillet was warming I searched around in the cabinets hoping for some flour so I could at least make pancakes. There wasn't any.

By the time the eggs were finished I could hear Olivia stirring in her bedroom so I carefully plated the food and carried it down the hall. "Good morning."

Olivia opened her eyes and just glared at me. I guess she thought she was dreaming.

"I made breakfast."

Olivia yawned before saying, "I didn't know you cooked."

"I would have cooked more if you actually had food to cook," I replied. "Eggs are all you get."

She smiled that radiant smile and then sat up with her back leaning against the head board. She took the plate of food and began eating. "Pretty good."

"I was thinking, Liv, that maybe we could go for a walk today around Central Park. Just to get out of the house, you know? It's a nice day."

I watched as she swallowed the bite in her mouth and seemed to contemplate the offer. "That sounds… great, El, but…" She lowered her head and I knew that something was bothering her. I wish she would just spit it out.

"But what?"

She looked up with a mist in her eyes. I had no idea why she was about to cry. "Liv, what's wrong?"

"I feel like we shouldn't be happy," she whispered as she sat her plate onto the nightstand. "You just got a divorce and I just… maybe we're jumping the gun, I don't really know."

I knew her intentions were good but, if she realized how much that hurt me she wouldn't have said it. I didn't want to wait any longer to be happy with her. I had waited long enough.

"It's just a walk," I said in a sharper tone than I meant.

She looked at me with anger filled eyes but she didn't say anything. She was probably thinking of some way to get out of the situation. That's what she was used to… running. I didn't want her to run anymore. I wanted her to stay with me. I wanted us to work.

**Olivia**

How could I tell him? How could I possibly tell him now when he was trying his best to be happy. Who am I to go and ruin that?

"El," I whispered, looking down at the comforter on my bed and fiddling with a loose string.

"Just tell me."

"I saw you read my list," I said still not making eye contact. I heard him sigh but he didn't say anything so I continued to talk. "I made that because… because I want to be able to cross them all off before I die."

"You will," he said as he scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around me, "You will."

He didn't understand.

"El," I said with a hint of tears that I was trying so hard to keep control of, "I'm sick…"

I could feel those blue eyes of his staring at me but I couldn't bare to look at him.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I have a brain tumor," I went on to say, "And I refused treatment…"

I was expecting Elliot to be angry; to hash out and break something or yell at me and then punch the wall. I wasn't expecting his true reaction at all. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I could hear his quiet sobs.

"Why?" he whispered, "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you refuse the treatment?"

"I didn't tell you because I couldn't… I couldn't tell you that… and the treatment only makes people worse, El. I just want to live the time I have left happily. I didn't want us to get so close. Don't you get it? You can't love me Elliot. You can't because I'm not going to be here for much longer." I couldn't stop my tears now and Elliot never let go of the tight embrace he held.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," I heard him say, "I'm so sorry."

Several minutes passed before I finally pulled away and looked him in the eye. They were red and puffy while looking more gray than blue. "I love you," Elliot said, "And I'm not going to stop loving you just because you think you were given a death sentence. You weren't. Miracles happen everyday."

"I don't believe in God," I reminded him.

"Well I do," he insisted, "and miracles happen everyday. You and I can get through this. You'll be okay. You're Olivia Benson… I told you I would always make you feel safe and I meant that…"

"So… now you know."

Elliot nodded slowly and let out a deep sigh. "I still want to go to the park. I want you to be able to cross of the first bullet on your list."

If I wasn't sad before I definitely was now. All Elliot had wanted to do was help. I kept pushing him away because I was afraid… afraid that he would make it harder to go when that time came… Damn him for making me feel love because now leaving was going to be harder than ever.


End file.
